[Transcriber’s Note: Guys, this is long as shit. Like 13 pages, almost 7,500 hundred words long. I’m gonna edit this down and put a tighter version up on Pajiba. But Book Report Bets deserve the whole thing. Dive in at your own risk.]

Ok, here’s the deal. It is Sunday night. It’s a little after 9. We were out celebrating a buddy’s birthday and I’ve had a couple margaritas and now I’ve come home. I’m actually recording this via audio. I have a Book Report Bet that I need to live up to. It’s for a movie called Mac and Me. I have seen it before. But I agreed that I would watch it again because that’s the honorable thing to do. So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to keep drinking. I’m gonna get reaaaal drunk. Then I’m gonna watch the movie and I’m gonna come back and do an audio recording of my book repot bet while I watch, a kinda live blog/live book report bet/live drunk for the movie. And then tomrorow or the day after I’ll come back and I’ll transcribe what I recorded and that’ll be my ber-bah-b … book report. And I’m gonna transcribe it verbatim. From whatever nonsense is recorded. So that stutter I just had back there, that’s gonna be in it. And whatever other nonsense. So I apologize in advance because it may be incoherence as shit. But that would be fitting. Because so is Mac and Me. Hashtag hot take, hashtag burn. Ok. I’m gonna go watch The Walking Dead and drink. I’ll be back in a bit.

***

Ok, I’m back. It’s … like 11ish. And I had two stiff glasses of bourbon. And a beer. And now I’m drinking another beer. And some more bourbon. Last thing I’ll say before I go … before I get into this … fuck .. is when I turned off the DVR from The Walking Dead it went back to an HBO station that was showing The Lady in the Water, that M. Night movie? And, mannnnn, that movie sucks. But I kinda would rather be watching that than this. And with that, I’m now pushing play.

No. Not yet. One more thing. So. Mac and Me is not available on any legal platform. For free. For rental. Or for purchase. So, I’mmmmmm went to the torrent. This mother fucker, it ain’t even available on the torrents. I found one torrent of it, that had nobody seeding it. So, eventually, I managed to dig up a super illegal YouTube upload of it. I don’t know how it’s still living on YouTube I figure eventually it’ll be taken down, that said, it’s been up for … uh, October to November, December, January, four months … four months to the day. It has 8,839 views which is 8,839 too many views. Guys, this movie is so bad.

Ok, now I’m pushing play. While it’s playing, I should note that this movie is, McDonalds saw ET and said “we fucking love this and we want something like this and we wanna market something like this” and that’s why the fucking alien is called Mac. Cause it’s McDonalds.

So it’s an RJ Lewis Production. RJ Lewis can suck a dick.

Fuck, I just realized, this movie is 140 minutes. I’m gonna have to listen to 140 mintues of this audio to fucking transcribe it for the book report bet. This was a bad idea.

Oh man, this movie starts on the alien planet. I don’t remember that. God these aliens are so fucking stupid lookin’. Holy shit. Man, even for me – and people reading this may know me – man, I gotta apologize even for me, there’s gonna be a lot of swearing in this thing. Like, all the fucks.

This is like a bunch of college kids got high, watched 2001, were like, “we wanna do our version of 2001, so let’s make some, like, stupid fucking alien muppet and get some bad CGI and we’ll put ’em out in the desert.” And they drove out from USC to Palm Springs and they went to some desert and they filmed some nonsense.

These aliens are so stupid looking! What the fuck? [laughter]

Uh, this is like that episode of Twilight Zone where you think you’re on Earth and then you see that space ship but the space ship is from Earth so you’re not actually on Earth. You guys remember that Twilight Zone episode? There’s like, a woman, and she’s got these little aliens that invade her house. And she’s chasing around the whole time and then at the very end you see that the little aliens are astronauts from Earth that are on some other fucking alien planet and so what you thought was Earth all along wasn’t. It was like, anti, opposite Planet of the Apes. That was good! This is not good.

So there’s an lander thing that’s landed on the planet and the aliens, they’re like all, their default expression is this weird expression of half “I’m surprised,” and half “I’m ready to give you a blow job,” like there’s this weird mouth opening. Anyway, they’re fucking around with the alien thing, with the US ship lander guy. … And the music is so whimsical.

Lander arm is about to … suck up an alien, is that what’s gonna happen? Suck up maybe alien Mac? [laughter] He did, it sucked him up! So stupid. Oh. Wait. Oh, it sucked up a bunch of aliens. And it’s taking off again. Sss’s gonna go back home. Oh, this is how the aliens–hmmm. K. I only remember Mac being on Earth.

Also, this thing is really far because there’s a plan— [stunned silence]

Oh this is amazing. There’s a voiceover. [laughter] But because this is like an illegal YouTube copy, the voiceover is in fucking Russian or something.

Whatever, whatever “important” information they’re relaying I’m not getting and I don’t remember any of this or anything from the first time I saw it. So. I’m gonna assume that what they were actually saying, that wasn’t in the original movie, but it was the, it’s the people that pirated this, in whatever their fucking world is, uh, apologizing. And saying “we’re sorry that you’re watching this.”

That was weird! So when they showed Alan Silvestri’s name, who did the music — and like, come on Alan Silvestri, you’ve done like good stuff, right? — they said his name. But then they haven’t said other people’s credits names. So it was like, was it like an extra, “we’re sorry to you watching this and we’re also sorry to you Alan Silvestri ’cause you took a paycheck on this?” I don’t get what’s happening. I’m so confused.

No, cause they just said the director’s name. Directed by Stuart Raffle. And there’s no way anybody is apologizing to Stuart Raffle. If anything, Stuart Raffle owes an apology to everybody. In the world. For this fucking movie.

[what follows is 23 seconds of more stunned silence, while movie dialogue can be heard in the background]

Oh shit. So, it turns out, this pirated movie. … It’s fucking dubbed. It’s not in English [chuckle], it’s in some other fucking language. Mother fucker.

[sigh]

You know, half of me thinks I should go try to find one in English, but the other half of me says [chuckle] fuck that. [laughter] I’m watching this movie in foreign language, fuck it!

This is military people taking stuff off the lander. So I think the aliens are gonna come out soon and then it’s gonna be madness.

I kinda feel like this might make the movie more enjoyable. Because what I do remember from the first time I watched this it was fucking terrible bore. And for the record the only reason I watched it was cause they did it on How Did This Get Made and when I listen to that podcast I try to always watch the movie first cause the podcast is all the more entertaining if you have some context. The downside of that is you watch some terrible fucking movies.

[so here, for the first time in my life – honest to god, no joke – hearing myself drunk-slur the word “movies” is the first time I’ve actually heard myself with a Philly accent. Turns out, as I would listen to the rest of this, that I’ve learned my Philly accent comes roaring out when I’m drunk. Yuck]

And this one is maaaaaybe one of the worst ones I ever watched for the podcast.

I don’t get it. They all came out of the lander … Oh, they whistle. I forgot. The aliens all, like, stupid whistle. I guess that’s because they’ve got their stupid blowjob open mouths, so you can’t enunciate. I wonder what happens if I put my mouth in open whistle blowjob form and try to talk let’s find out!

“They just lew a wall and now they’re alking through and it’s like a halley.”

Huh. So you can talk ok. You just can’t, like, F — I couldn’t say family. But I could talk more than fucking whistling. Why did these assholes only involve fucking whistling language? Fucking asshole aliens.

[laughter] Alien legs!

Aw, Mac alien just got electrocuted. He’s making a funny noise. That’s kinda funny. It’s not a whistle at least.

You know it’s interesting because the production quality on this movie is fuuuucking terrible. Like the puppet, muppet alien creatures are bad. Not muppet I shouldn’t use that word cause these are not muppets. But the production quality is terrible. The effects is terrible. The production — like, everything about this is terrible. And what’s interesting is because it’s with this Russian voice over. It fits. It’s sorta like this looks like a shitty Russian movie whereas when you watch it in English you’re like “this is an embarrassing movie.” But shitty Russian movie, sure. I bet Russian movies today look like this. Fuck you Russia. Fuck you Putin. You and your little Donny Trash little hand complacent bullshit. I’m a-try not to get into any political rant while I’m drunk watching this thing. Fuck. I’m a go drink some bourbon.

First product placement, Coca Cola!

[laughter on screen followed by my own laughter] Sorry. That was just me mocking the laughter of the people. I don’t know what they were saying but they found it very funny.

So. Mom van with her two kids and the coca cola kids are going through the security thing that’s been set up to try to find they escaped aliens they don’t realize that Mac baby alien has gotten into snuck into their van and we secretly learn that the younger kid in the van is in a wheelchair and we learn that as we see the alien reach out with an extended, amazing, Mr. Fantastic kind of extended stretch arm to grab the kid’s can of coke to drink it because aliens looooove Coca Cola.

In like, real life, if an alien drank coke, there’s like a 100% chance it’s dead within minutes, right? I figure that’s gotta be right.

Aw. Mac alien is high on the Coca Cola and dreaming of home. The thing is, home looks fucking terrible. It’s a god damned desert.

Oh my god these alien whistles, with the fucking whistles.

…Mac is seeing the word for the first time and oh man he’s happy.

The van is pretty sweet.

I don’t know what language this is. I assume it’s Russian. Oh, we’re gonna try an interesting experiment. Ok. I’m gonna have to stop recording because I’m gonna try an experiment here I’ll be right back.

…Well. I recorded something and used my little Google Home guy to see if it could translate it for me and just dead silence. I think that’s Google’s way of saying “fuuuuuck you and fuck this movie.”

But also, fuck this movie.

There’s a girl dressup as like a Native American Indian in a teepee. I mis the early 80s. …Except I think this is maybe the late 80s. So I guess I miss the late 80s? So we’re 18 minutes into this movie and they don’t know they have an alient with them yet. …This fucking alien.

…Sorry. I’m currently texting a friend explaining that I’m watching Mac and Me dubbed in Russian. Maybe. She’s also really drunk right now. She’s the Crackle Barrel person! So. Yeah. Drunk people!

So the mom is wheelchairing wheelchair kid and he’s like, he’s doing this weird massage thing of her arms. So like she’s pushing him and he has his arms up at her … armpits, massaging her arms. It’s really fucking weird and I dunnowhassgoin’on.

So I told my friend what I was doing and she asks how I’m not watching the Galaxy Guardian movie with a bear. What the fuck? Galaxy Guardian movie with a bear is there? And I wish I watching a movie with a bear.

Mac and Me would be fucking dope if it had a bear. Especially if the bear was like a bear that just came in and savaged the whole house. This kid in the wheelchair, you’re cute– oh my god! Wait a minute. Right now the kid is LITERALLY PLAYING WITH A FUCKING STUFFED BEAR! Holy shit! Come to life, bear!

[weird drunk grunt] Oh she means like that fucking dope ass … Russian movie … so she sent me a text that says watch this and it’s the link to the trailer of that dope ass thing that some of you have you probably seen that’s like The Guardians of the Galaxy but done by Russians and now I know what she’s talking about about a bear.

I don’t think this is Russian guys. Fuck what language is this? That’s gonna be the biggest question when I get out of this goddamned movie is what fucking language is it in.

There are … no … there are some comments but nobody says what language it is.

Oh wait a minute. The clip she says she sent me is a music video so maybe it’s not the Guardians of the Galaxy thing? Wait.

Oh he’s watching The Snorks you guysssrememberSnorks, that fucking Smurf Smurf ripoff? Snorks were dope. So I was on You Tube trying to fis-see if it, if it says what language it was and it doesn’t BUT there are one, two, three, four, five, six, seven comments. I’m gonna share these comments with you. I don’t think they’re any good.

Comment one says “Yah they tried to play off E.T..” That was by commenter called “80s 90s Movies.” The first person responds with the comment of “80s 90s Movies.” Second person responds with “would have been better if they made a parody but this is still fun to watch.” That commenter’s name is Billy Barnett. Billy Barnett can suck a dick.

Then wehavecomment who says “very sweet movie, I love the intro musical score.” That commenter’s name is George Fell. He wrote that comment four days ago. George Fell from four days ago can suck a dick.

NewYorkKnicksFan 2017 two weeks ago wrote “worst movie ever.” I hate the New York Knicks cause I’m from Philadelphia … but … on this, NewYorkKnicksFan 2017, you and I can agree.

Bryan Hayes … [raucous laughter] … two weeks ago, commented with, “Bryan.” [more laughter]

And then, WackyRed15 says “at twelve- 1:21:23 what song is that supposed to be the tune of?” If I can remember this at 1:21:23 I’ll try to get backatcha on that WackyRed.

Alright so back to the movie, nothing has fucking happened. Wheelchair kid is talking to a girl. He’s wearing a Chicagos Cub tshirt. Aww, wheelchair’s gonna be so happy in 30 years cause the Cubs will have won the World Series. That’s a happy ending to this movie.

So his older brother is, I think making funofhim? They’re all…they’re like, they have like a nice green back yard with desert right behind it. They just moved in there are a lot of United Van moving boxes.

Fuckinggggg, Mac alien is now laying out at night just sleeping on the grass. We are almost 30 minutes into this movie and nnnobody knows he’s fucking here yet.

So I just tried to audio to text a text to somebody and it stopped the recording so I might’ve lost some of what I recorded when I came back I don’t think I did I hope I didn’t cause it means you’ll have missed when I read the YouTube comments which was amazing.

So I’m gonna read a random text I got out of context because fuck you you don’t deserve context. “What am I? A fucking Neanderthal?” [cough] Aww, it’s in Russian so I don’t know what happened but the mom put the kid to bed and said g’night and now alien Mac is outside and he’s all sad and crying. Owwwww, he missed hooooome. I’m texting that. “He misses hooooome.” Cause now it’s like flashback and the aliens are all walking around in the desert and they’re whistling and they’re doing some … weird … hand thing. He’s so sad. I’m gonna take a picture of this and send it to the person I’m texting. Oh … never mind. I missed the moment that picture came out terrible.

[gasp] Wait a minute. I think. Mac is about to meet me. Kid’s hopping out of bed cause his legs don’t work. I’m gonna drink some bourbon. Cause my arms work. …I just drank all the bourbon.

My friend just texted “fucking Mac.” I am going to respond. “Fucking. Mac. Indeed. #fuck.” I’m gonna send another text that says “there is still a god damned hour of this movie and I just finished my glass of bourbon sadness need to go pour more.”

So somebody’s drilling holes in the wall they drilled one and wheelchair kid went around and the drill was there and now it’s not a drill it’s a saw blade [gasp] it’s it’s the alien. Mac and me have met! Face to face. It only took 31 minutes. Except now alien’s gone with the fucking sawblade in the door and now the mom’s coming downstairs and finding the cha– this house is so weird wait a minute, wait a minute. I gotta back up and take a picture of this. …Oh, the alien did it, there’s a, nevermind. So there’s like all sorts of desert and shit inside the house and [chuckles] I kinda thought the house was that way but I think the house wasn’t that way but the alien did it all that way.

Wheelchair kid just rolled out of the backyard … and he’s now out towards a hill [giant gasp] IS THIS THE MOMENT? Oh. I’m pumping my legs right now cause I think this is the moment. You guys. The little sister is coming out the back door to watch I think this is the moment oh. I’m texting my friend. “I think this is the Paul Rudd moment coming up I’m so happy.” The little sister is at the top of the hill wa-looking she’s looking around where’s my brother. There’s wheelchair kid. Alien’s whistling. Come on. Pop up, pop up alien. Right. There he goes. Yes! This is the moment! [laughter] Aw, wheelchair broke. Full speed ahead. [laughter] Ok, so right here is where I’m telling myself to put a link to the post Dustin wrote years ago about the amazing thing Paul Rudd has done with this movie and then I should probably embed one if not all of the relevant clips I can find because it’s the best and it’s why Paul Rudd is the best.

Edddddie. The sister is yelling Eddie. …Me! Mac and Me, the me’s name is Eddie. So it’s Mac and Eddie. That’s a good name Mac and Eddie, why didn’t they call it that?

Man. Whatever language this is, even when I think they’re talking nice to each other is sounds really mean like they’re yelling and they’re gonna fucking stab each other.

Ok, so the guy who posted this on YouTube, his name is Jozef with an accent over the O and it’s Z, so J, O accent, Z, E, F. So I just googled the name Jozef and it’s seems that it’s generally understood to be a Hungarian name so I’m going to retract my slights against those Russian speaking people of the world and assume that instead my slights should go against the Hungarian people of the world because this language is probably … Hungarian? Is that a language, Hungrarian? I assume that’s what they speak in Hungary. To the Google! “What .. language do they … speak in Hungary.” Hungarian. Yes, thank you.

So like we’re … oh there’s like a babysitter or nurse? Me whose name I now forget Eddie I think is in love with her and Eddie’s older brother is in love with her and she’s like 80s chick teenager cute I guess. And she’s friends with the sister or maybe the sister’s babysitter? I don’t know what’s happening.

The mom in the movie kinda looks like the mom from The Goldbergs except The Goldbergs is awesome and this isn’t do you guys watch The Goldberg? The Goldbergs is really good. Hey, so years ago on Pajiba I wrote a thing – not years ago cause the show hasn’t been on that long – but like two years ago I wrote a thing on Pajiba about Adam Goldberg and it was a whole rabbit hole glass case of emotion thing I did and uh The Goldbergs is fantastic and what’s really funny is that part of it was about the Adam Goldberg that does that show versus the Adam Goldberg from Friends and Schindler List and how they’re not the same guy and it took me at thing to realize that.

Anyway this whole season on the show basically innnevery episode they’ve been doing a thing where they throw a sling at the other Adam Goldberg because they got into a Twitter war last year because it turns out that even though I was wrong in disliking Adam Goldberg and I had to apologize for disliking Adam Goldberg cause he wasn’t the really guy I hated, it turns out that Adam Goldberg is still kinda an asshole so now I’ve come full circle and I can say fuuuck Adam Goldberg.

Oh also! Speaking– I also kinda have a weird addendum to the Adam Goldberg thing I’m not gonna put in here cause it doesn’t really have to do with the book report and I may end up posting this book report on Pajiba cause fucking why not but that’s gonna be it’s sorta secondary home and the book report bets are not really about Pajiba they’re about book reports bets because I respect bookreportbets.com and everything the book report bets stand for. But at some point I may need to update that Adam Goldberg post cause there’s a weird little update that happened at the time but I didn’t discover ’til two years later and it completes the circle.

Oh, so wheelchair kid is in his room at night and some female friend just snuck through the window. This is racy. They’re both, like, young so nothing is gonna happen cause they’re both, like, 12. I think he’s maybe got the alien in the closet now and she’s coming to see the alien, he’s making her put a helmet on or something, I dunno. Oh yeah no, alien is holding a coffee cup…oh no no no, alien’s not there he’s outside holding a coffee cup. Oh, I see. They’re hide– it’s like the anti-E.T. cause they’re hiding in the closet and in E.T. it was Drew Barrymore hiding with the alien in the clo– with the E.T., the alien, in the closet. But here it’s the girl hiding with the boy in the closet and the alien is outside so you guys this movie totally isn’t a rip-off of E.T. it’s its own thing.

I don’t understand– the cup that Mac and me is drinking out of seems like it should be a McDonald’s coffee cup but it’s not branded. Where the fuck’s the branding. McDonalds! You named the alien Mac but you don’t brand the cup? [sigh] Coca Cola though, he just went back for the Coke. This is their Reeses Pieces.

Whoa. Oh. … They just sucked the alien into a vacuum cleaner. [exacerbated sigh] …I hate this movie. I’m 42 minutes in, I still have almost an hour to go.

Hey, you know what, so here’s the part where I’m gonna mention normally when we do the book report bets we put this at the end. So the bet I lost it was to a guy named Marc so here’s the part where I’m gonna say “fuck you Marc.” Put that in bold. Fuck you Marc. So the bet was, we each knew guys that were running for seats on like, in Culver City for some sort of Culver City council thing. They were both named David, they were both running for Democrat … seats. And they break it up boy and girl so the dudes have seven seats available to them or something like that so we basically made a book report bet as to which of our David guys would make it. His David didn’t– er, did. And my David guy didn’t. So I’m real bummed about that.

While I was explaining that story, alien Mac got out of the vacuum cleaner I think he must’ve just blown out of it cause now there’s dust and shit everywhere. Now older dickhead brother has discovered him and they’ve learned that because he’s sick what he needs is Coke so they’re bringing him Coke cause aliens love Coke. Hashtag sponsor.

Uh oh. Cops showed up. [indecipherable] high school. Cops showed up and fucking alien ran out the back curtain. I remember being at parties where I did that move. Me and the alien we’re sympatico. I’m a drink some more beer.

So they’re clearly outside of LA cause there’s some old guy hiking wearing an LA Dodgers cap. Which gives me a reason to say “fuck the Doyers. Go Phillies.” Oh. Kid just woke up and there’s a daffodil on his pillow.

So here’s the deal. This movie just hit the 47 minute mark. I’m not– I just burped. I’m not recording any more audio until this movie hits an hour. So I’m gonna go 13 minutes radio silent.

[it then seems to take me a minute to actually get the recording to stop recording]

Ok I’m back. So one thing I’ve learned is, it turns out “ok seeya,” you say that in Hungarian the same way you say that in English. So I’ve learned my first Hungarian sentence. “Ok seeya.” [weird drunk laugh]

Right now, there is a fucking dance routine going on. Like, right dance shit happening. And it’s happening innnnn [laughs] a McDonald’s drive-thru. [chuckling] Ho-ho-ly fuck. This. Is. The amaaaazing McDonald’s product placement one hour in and we are there– OH Ronald McDonald! Ronald McDonald is in the house. He’s playing games with kids. Girls coming hug, fucking Mac bear is there.

Ok I need to pause and explain what you missed while this was going on.

So while we were gone, the government showed up, some otherstuff happened but then the government showed up. Fucking alien Mac got sick and they offered him Coke and it wouldn’t take and that was when they realized that he was home sick. Awwwwww. The kid put Mac alien in that stuffed bear we were talking about before to sneak him out without the government seeing him. And I would like to reiterate that this movie would be so much better if there was a real fucking bear in it. And … I thinkwhathismovieistryingtosay essentially is that … our poor treatment of the environment is leading to a dwindling of the bear population which is akin to how we would be treating aliens if– sorry, nah. I can’t. [laughs] I was trying to come up with a stupid, book report thematic theme and it ain’t working. I got nothing. Fuuuck this movie.

Oh, right before I started recording again, I took a picture of Mac in the bear costume and I feel like now’s probably the time I should share that. So I’m a put that in.

People are super freaked out because fucking alien in the bear costume did the alien arm stretch to get at a drink but his alien arm stretched out even though it was in the bear arm and it was in the bear arm and then it stretches and then it comes back and it was in the bear arm again which doesn’t make any sense. But that’s ok because now the bear is dancing with a girl awww.

Oh man there’s like all sorts of crazy dancing this is a whole fucking … thing going on here. McDonalds. There’s football players dancing. Here comes the government. [laughter] Fucking Ronald McDonald is dancing. …Clowns. [chuckles] They’re all clowns.

I dunno what song this is. But it’s fucking terrible. We– oh! God damn it. Nah. We’re only hour minute three and I was wondering if this was the song commentor guy was asking about but I’m scrolling down and he asks that at 1:21. Fuck. Let’s see if I can remember to come back to that.

I just texted to a friend and this is definitely something that needs to be blogged I says “I think I’m living my worst life right now. Maybe not worst. But definitely not best.” Meanwhile by the way so the government busted up the fucking McDonalds thing and Mac and me are getting away but the dance moves outside and so the parking lot is like full of dancing bright colored clothes wearing teenagers and now Mac and me are escaping and escape which is being done by the fucking Me — Eddie? — rolling in his wheelchair [laughter] and then Mac just throws off the bear costume cause fuck you bear costume. We got this sweet fucking alien puppet we gotta show off. [laughter] Wheelchair is going down the roads faster than cars. That seems dangerous.

Fly.

Come on. Fucking E.T. fly. The music is swelling. E.T. fly, it has to happen.

It fucking has to happen, come on.

[long stretch of silence]

…Oh god damn it they latched onto a back of the car like Back to the Future … and rolled into aaaaaaaaaaa … Wal-Mart kinda store question mark. Fucking disappointed. If you’re gonna rip off E.T., fucking do it whole hog. Send the kid and the alien into the air. Let em fly. It’s day time instead of night when Elliott and E.T. did it so it wouldn’t really be a rip-off, right?

I don’t know who the babysitter is cause she’s back, but they aren’t being babysat and the old brother is there, Mac is wearing a t-shirt. I don’t know why. He’s a fucking alien, aliens don’t need t-shirts. We’ve been looking at his alien nipples for like an hour-plus.

I don’t know what my bigger mistake was. Whether it was not drinking more before starting this or … not going back and trying to find it in English cause now I’m at the point where I’m super bored which is the thing I remember from this movie the first time I watched it which is that it’s superfuckingboring. So now I’m at the point where I’m super bored and at least it would maybe be ok that to know what the fuck they’re saying while I’m sitting here staring at the TV. But instead I’m not, I don’t. And on the flip side, if I wa-had drank more bourbon and was super drunk instead of just regular drunk then it kinda wouldn’t matter what language they were speaking cause I wouldn’t really be paying attention anyway so I’m in that sorta terrible spot where I’m watching this movie cause I lost a bet. Fuck.

Skittles! [laughter] SKITTLES! This is the Reeses Pieces moment never mind whatever I said before that I thought was the Reeses Pieces moment they just fed the alien Skittles. He’s gonna love em, right? He loves the Skittles.

So they just drove by a billboard that was like for the company that’s working with the government that’s chasing them or something there’s also horses and they said a thing that I thought I was gonna remember right now so that I could say what the thing was and then I was gonna say I think I just learned Hungarian for horses except [chuckling] I don’t remember the thing they said.

I hate my life.

Oh, they definitely were in LA be– which of course they were because, but now they’re driving, they’ve driven away from the city I dunno why I guess to get away from the government guys maybe? And they’re … if anybody’s ever been out to LA and you drive form LA towards Palm Springs or Vegas or anything sorta Easterly, you pass by the cool areas where all the, uh, like the wind farm and they’ve got all the guys with the fucking wind propellers on it. Which is actually really cool. And this is a neat, this is an educational moment for me cause this movie was, 88, 98, 08, thirty years ago, and I dinn’t know that the these wind guys had been around that long. Cause when I’ve driven out that way now I’m always like “ah that’s cool, and it’s nice that in the last 15 years they did this” but I guess it was in the last 30 years meanwhile alien Mac also thinks this stuff is really cool cause they had to stop the van and he got out and he’s doing weird hand sign shit to the spinny wind turbines. Turbines. That was the word I was looking for earlier. I think.

He’s doing his weird hand things but he’s not whistling even though he’s got whistle face cause he’s always got whistle face. Come on man, fucking whistle. Gimme a whistle. He just eye zoomed in on a mine tunnel two miles away. He’s got super vision. Come on, whistle. …He’s flapping his ears. He’s pointing at the mine tunnel. Kid in Hungarian says something that seems to be the version of “I gotchyou boo,” and they’re off no whistle god damn it.

They’re in the mine now. There was bat noises and it made me wish for Batman. Any Batman. I would even take fucking George Clooney nipple Batman. Didjou guys see that Lego Batman movie? You should go see it. Funny, a little long but on the whole, yeah man, thumbs up.

[gasp] Aww. There’s a buncha dead alien Macs in the mine tunnel. Doesthatmean Mac all alone now? Hey you knooooow, I just realized, we’re like, uhhhh, hundred, hour and fifteen minutes into this movie, so almost done thank god, and I kinda don’t know how he got the name Mac. I mean I know in reality cause of the McDonalds and I don’t remember from watching it originally and now I’m watching it in Hungarian so I dunno. But I think I just heard somebody say Mac and that’s the first time I remember hearing somebody reference his name.

[laughter] So the brothers and sisters are all [laughs], they’re super, ehhh … industrious because they made, basically, a whole galley, galley is that the word — dolly. Dolly. Like when cameras are on dollies. They may a whole dolly thing so that wheelchair kid can get from the van into the mine. I don’t even know where the fuck that came from BUT in good news it turns out the aliens aren’t actually dead and now that [chuckles] wheelchair kid and errybody else is down there they’re giving the aliens Coca Cola and [laughter] the aliens are I’m sorry I’m laughing so hard [laughing] the aliens are coming back to life. Coke saves, people. Coke saves.

They’re putting jackets on the aliens. Like the aliens don’t speak, so I dunno why they think the aliens need a fucking jacket or clothes of any sort. This is some bullshit McDonalds sponsored anti … body appreciation bullshit. The naked alien body is beautiful. We should appreciate the naked alien body for what it is.

Uh oh.

Nerrmind.

So there was a whole lot of fighting in the van that then turned into singing so now they’re singing some sort of Hungarian folk song and I dunno what this song was in English but the Hungarian folk song is fucking dope. Oh. Oh! I bet this is the song the guy wanted to know about!

…I’m gonna pause the movie so that I can go have a snack and take a piss. And maybe get another beer question mark.

Make a note that … strike that. Ok I’m back. Here’s the thing. First of all, snack has been snacked. Piss has been pissened. New beer has been opened. Meanwhile, I’m looking at this pause screen which you can see if you scroll up cause I think I took a shot of the screen earlier when it’s paused and now I’m realizing fucking says right in the YouTube title Mac and Me 1988 HUN. The “HUN” is fucking Hungarian. So I basically shoulda known from minute one that it was Hungarian but it took me until however long that it took me to figure out it was Hungarian. The flip side is I figured out on my own that it was Hungarian. The other flip side is look at that sweet picture of Jozef. Let’s finish this.

Right now I should insert a picture of from Mortal Kombat. “Finish him!”

If you’re wondering there are 22, 32, 10 … 17 minutes left.

I just burped again.

Oh shit. The aliens just walked into a store. This can’t go well. Manager to front, I think that’s what the woman just said in Hungarian. Cause here comes the manager. I wonder if they recast this for Hungarian cause he looks like a Hungarian version of Eugene Levy. Shit’s going down. Fucking grocery store security pulled a gun because of course grocery store security has a gun. There’s cops outside. Shit is going down. Fucking aliens is gonna fuck this gun up. Or alien is gonna just take the gun just start fucking shooting around like an idiot. God damn, aliens are fucking stupid.

The sheriff just took the kid hostage [laughter] what? The sheriff grabbed the kid to get him out cause he wanted to keep him safe cause the alien’s got the gun but the way he grabbed him it was like he was taking him as a fucking shield [laughter]. I mean in Hungary that’s probably how it works, the Hungarian cops probably take regular citizens and use ’em as human shields. But this is America mother fuckers, come on.

They’re letting the aliens just leave and [chuckles] the one alien’s got a box of fucking groceries wid ’em and he’s holding a gun and then the rest of the aliens are just walking and they’re all just letting em leave. And– Oh and now there was an accident and people are shooting and the alien’s shooting and someone’s definitely going to die [laughter] or [laughter] one gun shot caused a whole grocery store to literally blow up. I dunno how much money this movie cost but 80 percent of the budget was in that one scene.

Uh oh, Eddie got hurt in the explosion they just had to take him out of the wheelchair and put him on the ground. Brother’s crying. Babysitter girl is crying. Sherrif’s don’t know what to do. Government opened his shirt cause I guess that’s what you do. Oh fuck, I think he’s dead. Come on Mac, come save him, bring him back to life. Yeah, he’s definitely dead. Babysitter is bawling. I should embed the uh, whassthat fucking emo band, Bring Me Back to Life, song. With like a chick singer. I actually liked them for a hot minute. Wait a minute. Me, figure out that song and put it in here.

Hey, lookit that. Perfect timing. The parents got helicoptored in somehow, they’re gonna get to see their dead wheelchair son. That’s happy.

…So much crying.

Cut back to the fire because they spent all the budget on it you gotta show some more fire for no reasosn except to show some more fire. …Aliens. The aliens lived. Are they gonna come through the fire? Ok, they spent too much money on the explosion cause they coulda used some of that money for a better effect here of the aliens walkking through the fire but what’re you gonna do?

There we go. Get ’em aliens. Bring ’em back to life. Evanescence! That’s the band name. Fucking weird whistles and hand signs make weird alien magic happen and then they put the spark of life into the boy and now I think he’s gonna be a Transformer. He’s fucking floatin’ [laughter]. He’s fucking floatin’.

Right now. I need to find online and put here a picture of the aliens so all you motherfuckers [chuckles] know what these fucking things look like ’cause [chuckles] Jesus Christ they look stupid.

Aww, me. Of the Mac and Me. Lives. I don’t remember how this ends, there’s only like 6 minutes left, but from watching this in Hungarian I believe there’s no father around. So I feel like the right ending is for the mother to marry alien dude and for them to go bang and make half-breed alien human symbiote children and then that sets up for Mac and Me 2 if there would be a Mac and Me 2 which this most certainly did not warrant. But I’d watch that Mac and Me 2.

Oh, shit, maybe that is what’s happening. Wait a minute, we’re in fucking City Hall! [laughs] Oh it’s maybe like an immigration hearing or something? Yeah, oh shit, it is, it’s a god damned citizen ship thing. Come on, we’re gonna pan around and see aliens, aren’t we? …Come on. Come on. Show me the aliens.

Yes! [laughter] They’re in suits and a dress. They’re in 50s clothes. [riotous laughter] I guess aliens have a husband and wife since he’s in a suit and she’s in a dress so I guess it wouldn’t be cool for the mom to bang dad alien to make hybrids. There’s a mom and dad and daughter and baby Mac. Huh. And everyone here is totally cool wit all these aliens. And then they cut to wheelchair Me and he’s super smiley, he’s so happy.

Oh, you guys. Hang on. I’m gonna come back around in a minute, but I got – I get it.

Nobody. Has any concern or issue whatsoever that these fucking stupid looking, plastic blowjob whistle mouth aliens are hanging out and now Mac’s blowing a bubble and nobody cares? They’re fucking aliens man. Oh! And then there’s a bad effect of Mac blowing a bubble that says “we’ll be back” and the bubble pops. The thing is, he lies. Cause they never came back.

Alright, so now the credit’s rolling. Hey guys, so like here’s the thing. It took me til the very very end here to tie it all together I realize, dude, this movie is super important. We’re living in a world right now where little hand Donny Trash is trying to throw people out and keep people from coming in. Guys. Mac and Me stands for no matter how different you are no matter where you come from no matter how you come here there’s value that you can serve — hang on a minute — [laughter] these last credit, after Elrod whoever that was, is Ronald McDonald as himself. [laughter] It’s a fucking amazing. Anyway. Guys! This is like an anti-Donald Trump referendum. Fuck you and your immigrant ban. Aliens are good for this country. They chew bubble gum, they consume Coca Cola products, they love some Skittles, they’re just like us. They come here, they wanna suckseed, they wanna make things better, they protect us, they raise our crippled kids from the dead bringing them back to life. Hashtag resist.

Think I’m done, right? Yeah, I’m done. I’m a finish this beer and go to bed. Fuck you Mac and Me. I love you Mac and Me.